The True Story of Myrtle's Death
by kiss-of-cuteness
Summary: Everyone believes Myrtle died alone in a bathroom stall... but someone else was there. A poltergeist suffering from laryngitis a.k.a. Peeves. Peeves' antics and ridiculous songs will have you laughing through Myrtle's last moments. Possibly MMPP


A/N - This is a plot bunny I couldn't get rid of... I actually found it rather hilarious. It definately has the potential of being more than a one-shot but let me know with your reviews.

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Peeves the poltergeist had laryngitis. The inability to sing bawdy ballads of to taunt students depressed him greatly. He could still drop water balloons and throw dung bombs but he could no longer cackle maniacally. He flew languidly through the halls, to miserable to do anything but lazily push over a few suits of armour. He was at a loss for what to do. Even Madame Pomfrey couldn't cure a poltergeist.

A group of sixth year girls passed underneath Peeves, but he didn't take the opportunity to lift their skirts up. "You're ugly. Just face it. I can't believe you even thought that Tom would ask you to Hogsmeade. He obviously likes me much better. You know, people might not scream and run if you took those terrible glasses off. They make you look like an ogre." The girl issuing the taunts turned away. "I have to fix my lipstick, does anyone have a mirror?" She seemed completely unconcerned with the sniffles coming from the girl standing slightly behind her.

Peeves watched as one of the girls broke off from the larger group. She was crying. Peeves knew that meant she would head to a bathroom. He began to smile. It wasn't large but for somebody with laryngitis it was a huge accomplishment. Girls were so vulnerable, and in a stall, they couldn't even run.

Peeves was silently gliding into the first floor girl's bathroom when he came to an abrupt halt. A boy's voice was filtering out of the bathroom. The thick stone muffled the words. Deciding to silently sneak in and possibly learn something _interesting_ Peeves drifted into the bathroom cautiously. A teenaged boy was taking large strides out of the bathroom, Peeves was not able to identify him and barely noticed his dark hair. His attention was riveted on the sink. A massive snake was rising out of it.

Peeves turned to run when he heard a shrill voice coming out of the second stall. "This is a girl's bathroom! Boys are NOT allowed." The poltergeist may have been mischievous, but in no way was he evil. He tried to warn the girl. His mouth opened, his tongue moved, but no sound came out. With a sudden burst of courage he leaped through the air and straddled the emerald monster. His arms were too substantial to lengthen and wrap around the creatures neck so he continued with his rescue by beating the serpent on the head. It didn't have any affect on the creature. The door to the bathroom stall swung open forcefully and a pigtailed girl, standing with her hands on her hips, came into view. She took one look at the ophidian and fainted dead away. The snake turned its enormous head away from her and slithered backwards down the drainpipe. Peeves leaped off its sinuous neck in an attempt not to be pulled down the sink. He darted over to the girl who lay on the tiled floor. She wasn't breathing. He hovered above her and began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation when an angry voice was heard from above him.

"What on earth do you think you are doing to my body? No boy likes Myrtle when she's alive but they're going to paw at her when she's dead?" A translucent replica of the body on the ground was floating above Peeves.

Peeves opened his mouth to speak but was unable to. Him mimed not being able to talk. "Oh don't be stupid. You obviously don't have laryngitis. You're not human. Ghosts and poltergeists only get diseases when they're suffering from ennui, all you have to do to make it go away is realize that you can't actually have it

Peeves realized then started speaking. "Well, I was just trying to save you. If you enjoy being dead then you should be happy.

_Myrtle was an ugly girl_

_Who didn't even have a curl_

_But now she's gone_

_I can sing this song_

_Everyone hated Myrtle."_

"Oh you horrid, horrid, poltergeist. I'm going to cry in here. Shoo, go away do something other than make fun of poor me. I had to endure it in my life but to die and not be at peace? This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Lots of bad things have happened to me. I think God put me on this earth so that he could make bad things happen to me."

Myrtle continued to whine but Peeves tuned her out. He had come up with an ideal prank. "Myrtle, who do you hate the most? Out of all the people who are horrible to you?"

"Well," her high-pitched voice started, "I don't like an awful lot of people. They don't like me either. Currently though, and for the rest of eternity, I shall loathe Olive Hornby."

"Why don't you haunt her?" Peeves suggested roguishly.

Myrtle smiled. Peeves had never seen Myrtle smile before. He had always been commending the girls who tormented her. The smile changed her face; it made her look nearly pretty.

"Why what a lovely idea… do you have any suggestions?"

"I'd of course use my trusted and true methods: throwing things, being obnoxious, singing ridiculous songs. I think you however would have more luck with wailing."

Myrtle went to sit down on the edge of the toilet but she sank right through it. "I'll have to practice my floating a bit more, I don't know how I'll get used to not being able to touch anything."

Peeves zoomed backwards and cackled. He had missed his voice terribly. This girl's dilemma was amusing. "I'm off. Ta-ta for now." He grabbed a roll of toilet paper and threw it at Myrtle. YES! Fifty points for hitting her in the head."

He flew through the school, bouncing off of walls, pulling out hair ribbons, and giving wedgies. He flew right into the gargoyle in front of the Headmaster's office. "Open up… STUPID. SNOTFACE. What's the damn password?"

Slowly the stairs started to revolve and out stepped an elderly wizard. "I, for one, sleep comfortably in my bed knowing that you do not know my password." The wizard sighed. "What is wrong this time Peeves?"

"I know what the monster from the Chamber of Secrets is! It killed a girl, she's downstairs, and it's an enormous snake."

"A girl's dead you say? Honestly Peeves, this better not be another of your ridiculous jokes."

"It's true.

_Oh Dippet you're just too dippy_

_The girl's breath won't come in a jiffy. _

_Now she's stone cold dead _

_The parent's will cry 'OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!'_

The Headmaster's face grew alarmed. "Oh dear, you are serious. What will the parent's say? We might have to close the school."

A dark-haired boy rushed up to the Headmaster. "Professor Dippet, you can't close the school. I know who the Heir of Slytherin is. It's Hagrid. He's releasing a monster on the school."

"You're sure Tom?"

"Yes." The urgent tone of his voice was unmistakable. "Hagrid's keeping an acromantula in the school!"

"Nuh-uh… it's a snake." Peeves blew a large raspberry at Tom.

"Well Peeves, I must go check on the girl. However, I am more inclined to believe Tom."

"Spppllll…" Peeves' raspberry blowing just increased in volume.

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A/N - So that's completely different than anything I've ever written before. Give me your feedback, I'd love to hear what you think of the new writing style, a possible Peeves/Myrtle romance, and whether or not it should remain a one shot. Basically, that means REVIEW.


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